fear

I think this blog is more for me than anyone else..

I need to get this out...

When I was with Jonas... we got into so many fights... Everything I did.. everything I didnt do.

It got to the point, When I hung out with friends he complained.. I wasnt talkin to him enough. When something would happen and I would be talkin to a friend about something important he got mad I wasnt talkin to him. When I was trying to be good about everything, I was still accussed. (when i was at sonic.. First time I have ever screamed at anyone. He said I had plans this weekend apperently I didnt know about) It got to the point he talked crap on my friends before ever knowing them, then the ones he "was going to kill" When I talked to them he yelled at me. I couldnt go to a club with friends cause they werent all that he has gone to enough so I couldnt go even tho I never been to one. I couldnt tan, highlight my hair, exersice. Alot of times he wouldnt even believe that I went running back in the summer. When I was sleeping, usually he would not believe me. He got mad when I play fought with my friends. When I was in Hawaii and told him anything that me and his bro did when he was at work he would accuse me of liking his bro cause I was talkin about him.. I was just trying to tell him what the hell we did while he was at work. It was like if I talked about it to much I was covering something but if I did say anything I was hiding something. Dont get me wrong, some was my fault. I do feel bad about how I hurt Jonas.. Not all of it was bad. There was somethings about him that kept me with him.. appearently more good then bad but the bad was always in the back of my mind. Makin me want to rebel by this time and I am not sure why it was that way. i know so much was my fault. I lost his trust in the beginning and ultimately, even though he was willin to forget it and start over. I knew he would never trust me and I didnt want that.. 

Now with Kevin. I am so scared to even make him doubt me. I know he is not jonas. but I feel like there is a mental scaring there I cant get rid of. I dont want to go anywhere with a guy. Dont really wanna hang out with any guys especially the ones he doesnt know. I have a chance to go to Hawaii for only 1/2 the plane ticket ($500). Thats all I would have to pay. I cant do it. I want to but not bad enough to do it. Any possible way I could make Kevin doubt me or feel uncomfortable I am trying the opposite to do. I dont want what happened to me and jonas to happen again. I want the good part to happen not that bad.

I have a fear now, I am tired of being yelled at. I didnt feel like there was anyway to go back and fix me and Jonas. I was tired and crushed. I know I hurt him and he didnt trust me. I am not saying I am perfect. but I am trying so hard now. I dont think kevin realizes how much I dont want to hurt him. I have told him some but I dont know to what extent he knows. I have only told Shane.. I dont talk to anyone besides co-workers cause they are the only ones I even talk to anymore. I miss some things bout Jonas the better things... but i hurt him so bad.. I have known him for like 6 yrs and I dont wanna ever stop talkin to him. 

I am not saying I dont trust myself. I am still hurt over past things that i just have not gotten over yet. Im workin on it tho...

so far and plans for summer...

So far everything has been going ok. Kevin might be losin his job soon.. But we will figure something out. I get paid tomorrow and it should be about a $700 check ( I hope) I got 84 reg hrs and 12 overtime. Kevin is working late today. I cant believe it is 4pm and I have done abosutely NOTHING but sit around the house and play on the comp ( a first!) I feel quite lazy for a change. So Anyways I was suppose to go on a trip with the school to Switzerland, Germany and France. But instead I am going to Rome and Italy with my dad. there were not enough people to go with the school. So I will only be gone about a week & 1/2 in Rome. instead of 25 days. I am still extremly excited. And if we are back my May 31 I am going to meet up with my brother (Steve) in Eufaula since its his b-day and go to the CCR concert. we will just be on the boat but it will be fun. John is getting married either in June or July. and my 2 cousins are getting married. Kyle (age 19)is the 1st week of June to his 2nd babys momma and Britt(age 17) the next week. I am not sure when Andrea (step-sis) her baby shower is.. its soon. And Kevin and I want to go to McAlester and stay in the town house one weekend and hang out in Eufaula. The town house is really nice! It will be fun to go to the lake this summer. I am going to try and go up there a lil more this summer. My work really needs another manager in there cause i want to take a lil time off here and there and actually do something. I want to hang out with Kevin as much as I can this summer. Its funny how you can live with someone but never have time to Actually see them or spend anytime together.

confussion!

OK... So This summer.... I can either take 25 days in June and go with my school to Germany and France for $5000 and get 6 credit hours and be with people my age or take 7-10 days at the end of May and go to Rome and Italy with my dad his wife and grandpa and his wife... If I do that then I will have more time to be with Kevin. We want to go an stay in McAlester at Dads town house. Its only like 20 mins to dads and we would have more to do when we are not at dads since there is a movie theater and places to shop unlike in Eufaula.. I would like to hang out with Steve on his birthday on dads boat listenin to the concert, CCR. IDK!!! AGH...
Well off to see watchmen with Kevin. Heard it was good!

Oh.. I guess in June my cousin Kyle (age 19) is getting marred to his 2nd baby's momma and hi sister, Britt (age 17) is getting married the next week. Then in July my brother John is getting married...

Im back

3/10/09 Well, i am still workin myself to death. Last week was kind of a hard week. I was exhausted constantly. Of course as my schedule goes, I work 5 days a week 40-50 hrs a week. I am still the only night manager. My grandpa had cancer in his hip and they did surgery to replace his hip and part of his leg. I went up there last tues and he had lost his will to live.

My laptop has crashed on me... Idk what happened to it. I am going to Eufaula Saturday and my bro said he would fix it for me. I need a new one. I am excited about going to Europe.. cant wait for June then my brother is getting married in July. Hopefully I can put some pics of my art work on here soon so i can have something to show for all my hard work.