fear

I think this blog is more for me than anyone else..

I need to get this out...

When I was with Jonas... we got into so many fights... Everything I did.. everything I didnt do.

It got to the point, When I hung out with friends he complained.. I wasnt talkin to him enough. When something would happen and I would be talkin to a friend about something important he got mad I wasnt talkin to him. When I was trying to be good about everything, I was still accussed. (when i was at sonic.. First time I have ever screamed at anyone. He said I had plans this weekend apperently I didnt know about) It got to the point he talked crap on my friends before ever knowing them, then the ones he "was going to kill" When I talked to them he yelled at me. I couldnt go to a club with friends cause they werent all that he has gone to enough so I couldnt go even tho I never been to one. I couldnt tan, highlight my hair, exersice. Alot of times he wouldnt even believe that I went running back in the summer. When I was sleeping, usually he would not believe me. He got mad when I play fought with my friends. When I was in Hawaii and told him anything that me and his bro did when he was at work he would accuse me of liking his bro cause I was talkin about him.. I was just trying to tell him what the hell we did while he was at work. It was like if I talked about it to much I was covering something but if I did say anything I was hiding something. Dont get me wrong, some was my fault. I do feel bad about how I hurt Jonas.. Not all of it was bad. There was somethings about him that kept me with him.. appearently more good then bad but the bad was always in the back of my mind. Makin me want to rebel by this time and I am not sure why it was that way. i know so much was my fault. I lost his trust in the beginning and ultimately, even though he was willin to forget it and start over. I knew he would never trust me and I didnt want that.. 

Now with Kevin. I am so scared to even make him doubt me. I know he is not jonas. but I feel like there is a mental scaring there I cant get rid of. I dont want to go anywhere with a guy. Dont really wanna hang out with any guys especially the ones he doesnt know. I have a chance to go to Hawaii for only 1/2 the plane ticket ($500). Thats all I would have to pay. I cant do it. I want to but not bad enough to do it. Any possible way I could make Kevin doubt me or feel uncomfortable I am trying the opposite to do. I dont want what happened to me and jonas to happen again. I want the good part to happen not that bad.

I have a fear now, I am tired of being yelled at. I didnt feel like there was anyway to go back and fix me and Jonas. I was tired and crushed. I know I hurt him and he didnt trust me. I am not saying I am perfect. but I am trying so hard now. I dont think kevin realizes how much I dont want to hurt him. I have told him some but I dont know to what extent he knows. I have only told Shane.. I dont talk to anyone besides co-workers cause they are the only ones I even talk to anymore. I miss some things bout Jonas the better things... but i hurt him so bad.. I have known him for like 6 yrs and I dont wanna ever stop talkin to him. 

I am not saying I dont trust myself. I am still hurt over past things that i just have not gotten over yet. Im workin on it tho...